


0.25 BAC

by Hexadecimalrebooted



Series: Diminished Capacity [2]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Alcohol, Drinking, Kakashi is an idiot, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-15
Updated: 2019-06-15
Packaged: 2020-05-12 04:38:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19221748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hexadecimalrebooted/pseuds/Hexadecimalrebooted
Summary: Kakashi wakes up with a hangover then gets relentlessly heckled by his husband and his friend.





	0.25 BAC

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MagnusTesla](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MagnusTesla/gifts), [AlexiaNite](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlexiaNite/gifts).



> Set in the same universe as Chakra Depletion but much later. Based on some nonsense I saw on Tumblr. I wanted to write it immediately.
> 
> Yes. I like to mess with Kakashi's brain chemistry and have him do all the stupid things. 
> 
> For AlexiaNite for being an enabler. And MagnusTesla because reasons.

Kakashi opened his eyes and hated life, the universe and everything. He slammed his eyes shut but the agony in his head did not lessen. The overwhelming urge to vomit hit him and he was grabbing the waste bin next to the bed to empty his stomach violently. When the retching finally subsided, he realized Iruka was next to him stroking his back. Kakashi made a pitiful noise and slump back into their bed. 

“Have some water. You’ll feel better,” Iruka coaxed. 

He handed Kakashi a glass of water and what looked like some ginger pills. Kakashi took the medicine and the water gratefully. Kakashi swished the water in his mouth to get the taste out. Kakashi sipped the water while Iruka kept up the gentle stroking to his back. Iruka put the glass away on the nightstand. 

“Lay back,” Iruka said. 

Kakashi let Iruka help lean him back against the pillows. Before Kakashi could tell him not to waste the chakra, Iruka had pressed his fingers against Kakashi’s temples and started to funnel healing chakra to go along with a gentle massage. The pain eased immediately. Kakashi sighed in relief and let his eyes fall shut. Kakashi smiled when he felt Iruka press a kiss to his forehead. 

“Would you like me to make you some tea?”

Kakashi nodded. It made his head feel like it weighed a few tons. He let himself relax into the comfort of their bed. He tracked Iruka’s progress to the kitchen by sound. Kakashi paused while rearranging the blankets. Something had crinkled under his hand. He dug the rectangle of paper out from under the blankets to find one of their wedding pictures. It was the one of Iruka kissing his cheek while Kakashi grinned like mad even if you couldn’t tell with the mask. The picture was creased down the middle and the top corner had been torn a bit. Kakashi put the photo on the nightstand and melted back into the mattress. 

*

Kakashi woke to the sounds of conversation coming from the living room. The voices were low but it was enough to pull him from sleep. The headache was almost completely gone and his stomach only rumbled with hunger. Kakashi rolled out of bed to find several photo albums on the floor. He stepped over them to throw on a shirt. He chugged the cold tea he found on the nightstand. Kakashi collected the albums and carried them into the living room. 

Tenzo was sitting on the couch, sipping tea while Iruka lounged in the recliner. Neither looked like they had struggled with a hangover. Kakashi sighed. He really needed to stop agreeing to Gai’s challenges. Especially when they involved alcohol. 

“Iruka, why are the wedding photos in our bedroom?”

Kakashi hadn’t expected the question to result in Iruka and Tenzo both laughing at him so loudly. Tenzo managed to get himself under control after a few minutes. Iruka, on the other hand, was gasping and had tears in his eyes. Kakashi felt dread crawl up his back and heat spread over his face. 

“Kakashi, how much do you remember about last night?” Tenzo asked. Iruka was still giggling and snorting. He kept just barely getting himself under control before he started again. Every time he snorted Tenzo had to swallow a laugh. 

“I remember we went for celebratory drinks at the bar and Gai challenged me to a drinking contest. I don’t remember much after Anko bought us that tray of rum from Land of Waves,” Kakashi said. 

“Well, you won the drinking contest if it's any consolation,” Iruka said. This statement set him off in a fit of giggles. 

Kakashi sighed and dropped down on the couch next to Tenzo. He put the photo albums on the coffee table. 

“You drank Gai under the table, literally. He passed out under our table and kept cuddling up to Anko’s foot,” Tenzo said, his lips twitching. 

“Anko thanks you for that by the way. I have some excellent pictures,” Iruka cut in. 

“How does that explain the picture albums?” 

Iruka and Tenzo exchanged glances. They both grinned and Kakashi started to wonder if he should become a hermit.

“Well, then you started hitting on Iruka,” Tenzo said. Iruka started laughing so hard at this point he buried his face into his hands and just kept snorting. 

Kakashi sighed. If Iruka was snorting in front of someone other than him, Kakashi must have done something wildly humiliating. Kakashi started to plan his defection to Suna. He and Gaara got along well enough. The Kazekage would take him in. He’d get used to the sand in, well, everything. Couldn't be that big of an adjustment. Tenzo watched Iruka try to get himself under control with genuine pleasure on his face. Maybe Kakashi would defect to Land of Iron. He found the samurai way of life interesting. He could get used to the snow. Probably. 

He stared at Iruka until the man got himself under control

“You told me I was beautiful,” Iruka said with an unreasonable amount of cheer. Kakashi could feel his hangover coming back. Or at least the headache. 

“You recited some rather moving poetry. I think it was a poet from Land of Waves? There was a lot of references to fish,” Tenzo said. “Unless it was some sort of double entendre that went over my head.” 

“It was very sweet,” Iruka chimed in. Iruka bit his lower lip in _that_ way. The one that meant he was, absolutely, without a doubt, up to no good. Tenzo, the little toad, looked smug. 

“What else?” Kakashi asked. They wouldn’t be having such a good time at his expense if he had just spouted some bad poetry. 

“You offered to buy me a drink,” Iruka said. “You’re really quite awkward at flirting by the way. I always thought you were terrible on purpose but that’s just the way you are, isn’t it?”

Kakashi ignored that and Tenzo who was trying to cover his laughter with coughing but was failing spectacularly. 

“Tell him the next part. The next part,” Tenzo gasped.

“I thought you were being silly,” Iruka said. Kakashi looked at him and made a motion for him to continue. Iruka’s grin was so wide Kakashi thought it should have been painful. “You asked me if I was single.”

“And?”

“I told you I was married,” Iruka said, his huge grin managed to get bigger. “And then you started crying.”

“It was more like wailing,” Tenzo chimed in. Kakashi took one of the throw pillows and pressed it to his face. Their laughter drowned out his groan.

“You were so upset I was married you started sobbing in the bar about how unfair it was. Tenzo tried to keep you quiet but you weren’t having it.” Iruka was gasping as he spoke. Kakashi looked up to see that he had fresh tears in his eyes. His face was red from laughing. “You complained to anyone that would listen about how the man you were “destined to be with”,” Iruka used finger quotes. Finger quotes! “Was already married. That lasted for about twenty minutes. Then you switch gears. You got angry.”

“Oh hell,” Kakashi muttered to himself because everyone else was too busy laughing at his expense. 

“You wouldn’t calm down,” Tenzo said. Kakashi couldn’t remember the last time the man had looked that eager. Kakashi should have known humiliation would have done it for his kouhai. Those wide eyes hid a sadist. “You stood on the table and started shouting that you wanted to face Iruka’s husband in a fight to the death. You sounded disturbingly like Gai. Any man that walked by you was grabbed and ‘interogated’. Which was mostly you shouting at them while an inch from their faces. You were convinced that almost everyone was Iruka’s husband. At one point you even asked Anko if she was his husband. She told you that even her strap-on game couldn’t convince Iruka to marry her.”

“Of course, Anko was winding you up.” 

Iruka was biting his lip again. Kakashi wondered what living in Land of Tea would be like. Warm, lots of coastline. Kakashi liked to fish. It couldn’t be all bad. One of his new favourite authors was from there. And Iruka liked tea. Maybe Kakashi would let him visit. If he stopped laughing. 

“Of course she was,” Kakashi whined. 

“And then you started asking people about their skills in bed. Specifically about how they would please Iruka in bed.” 

Kakashi whined louder. Iruka did not look sympathetic at all. In fact, Kakashi’s husband had the gall to wiggle his eyebrows. When had his straightlaced Iruka taken to talking about sex in public? Oh right, when it was more humiliating for Kakashi than it was for him. Land of Waves, now there was a good place to hide in for a few years until everyone forgot what he did. He knew people there. Lots of trade. Had a very active arts scene. Some really good plays were coming from there. 

“I think Gaara’s brother is traumatized by the way,” Iruka said before he started giggling again. Kakashi groaned and tried to smother himself with their throw pillow again. Iruka continued because he was a demon with pretty hair. “When he said he wasn’t interested in me sexually in any way, you were offended on my behalf.”

“Kankuro is straight,” Kakashi said into the pillow.

“Yes, very,” Tenzo agreed. “Although you didn’t seem to remember that at the time.”

Iruka started cackling which set Tenzo off. Kakashi took the opportunity to make small whining noises into the pillow. Iruka got himself under control first. They both tried to explain what he had said to Kankuro but the only things Kakashi caught were penis and chocolate sauce. Kakashi decided it was better if he didn’t know.

“Then what?” Kakashi asked as he peaked out from the safety of his pillow. “I feel like you aren’t done making fun of me.”

“I managed to distract you by telling you I had started dating my husband more than a decade ago,” Iruka said. “And don’t pout. You did it to yourself.”

“Obviously you figured out Kankuro was much too young,” Tenzo said. He patted Kakashi on the arm. If Tenzo thought he was comforting, he missed the mark by a mile. 

“Then you asked if I was happily married and said if I wasn’t you could take care of it because you’re the Hokage,” Iruka said. Kakashi had thought his husband’s grin was evil before but it didn’t compare to the villainous twist of his lips that he directed at Kakashi at that moment. 

“And then Iruka pointed out Naruto was the Hokage now and you started crying again.” Tenzo was wiping tears from his eyes. He kept chuckling now and then. At some point, Kakashi was going to get revenge. He wasn’t sure how or when but he would get even with Tenzo if he died trying. “You told Iruka you would find a way for you two to be together. It was destiny.”

“After that, you begged me to marry you instead. When I told you we were already married you wouldn’t believe me. You kept telling me you’d never forget being with someone as beautiful as me.” Iruka’s grin was delighted. “You told me no one would forget the melted chocolate of my eyes or the smooth mocha of my skin.” Iruka gestured to his face dramatically. “That’s a direct quote by the way.” 

Tenzo had stopped trying to hold it in. He was laughing so hard he was wheezing. Kakashi wondered if he might actually pass out from lack of oxygen. Kakashi hoped he did so he could draw on his rotten little kouhai’s face. 

“And then you told me you wanted to caress the velvet of my mouth with yours,” Iruka said. He wrinkled his nose. “We need to get you some better reading material. It was terrible.”

“We decided that it was a better plan to try to get you home after that.” Tenzo gave an exaggerated wince. “I don’t think anyone wanted to hear what else you wanted to wax poetic about when it came to Iruka. Not after the sex position and prowess bit.” 

“We couldn’t convince you to leave until I told you that I wanted to run away with you. You were so excited,” Iruka said. “You told me about your new favourite book by some author from Land of Tea. Apparently, he wrote about a couple eloping and they had a lot of sex. You even tried to act part of it out with Gai-sensei. He was still unconscious. Not one of the sex scenes but it was still… unfortunate.”

“Temari-chan got a video of it. I’ll ask her for it later.” Tenzo sounded too damned proud of himself. Kakashi would defect to Land of Noodles. No one would find him there. 

“You were pretty obedient on the walk home. Although you did stop and propose a few times,” Iruka said. “You had to go down on one knee every time. You kept telling me that it was a requirement for a proposal.”

Tenzo was rubbing his cheeks like they were sore. He kept sniggering. 

“When I finally got you home I tried to tell you we were married again. You still didn’t believe me. So I took out the photo albums,” Iruka giggled. “You should have seen your face.”

“You kept flaring your chakra so I came back to check on you. You told me it was the best genjutsu ever and it was inescapable,” Tenzo said. “You told me to let you wither and die in your dream.”

“You are so dramatic,” Iruka teased. He was shaking his head but at least he kept giving Kakashi those fond looks. 

“Then I managed to convince you it wasn’t a genjutsu,” Tenzo said. 

“And then you cried some more because we _were_ married and you didn’t remember it,” Iruka said. “You wanted to go wake up Naruto so we could get married again. I convinced you that we should renew our vows another time. You promised me that you would take me anywhere I wanted to go for our second honeymoon. And then you started composing your vows. Out loud. You decided you would sing them. You did a very cute dance along with it.”

“I left at that point,” Tenzo said. He looked a little too smug. 

“You wouldn’t let go of that one wedding picture. You insisted on sleeping with it. Even when I pointed out that you would be sleeping with _me_. It was adorable.” Iruka sounded so delighted. 

“I wrecked it a bit,” Kakashi admitted, “It’s creased and torn in the corner.”

Kakashi let a sigh and pressed his face into the pillow again. Maybe he could become a hermit in the back hills. That way he could still see Iruka all the time but he wouldn’t have to talk to anyone else. Kakashi released the pillow at Iruka’s insistent tugging. Iruka slipped onto Kakashi’s lap and kissed his temple. Kakashi ignored the sounds of Tenzo slipping out of the house. The bastard was still snickering. Once Iruka had finished enjoying himself at Kakashi’s expense, he’d convince the teacher to help him get revenge on his friend. Iruka was a genius prankster.

“It’s been a while since I’ve seen you so out of your mind,” Iruka said with a giggle. 

“I was following orders,” Kakashi said. He kissed Iruka’s neck. “You told me that I wasn’t allowed to wander around chakra depleted any more. I had to stay and get treated.” 

“Hmmm. Yes, I remember that,” Iruka teased. 

“Haha.” 

“It was sweet you know,” Iruka said. His expression was fond. Kakashi enjoyed the feeling of Iruka’s fingers running through his hair. “The way you were so happy when you found out we were married.” 

Iruka kissed him on the cheek. Kakashi tilted his head back to get a few more soft, slow kisses. 

“Now how about something to eat? I’m sure you’re starving,” Iruka said as he stood. Kakashi didn’t let him get far. He grabbed Iruka’s hand and kissed the back of it. 

“Iruka, do you want to renew our vows?” Kakashi asked. There had been something in his voice when he mentioned it. Kakashi thought it might be worth the humiliation if he got to find out one of those little wishes or hopes that Iruka had such a hard time sharing. 

Iruka smiled down at him, his eyes warm and soft. “Yes.” 

Kakashi smiled and kissed the back of his hand again, slow and soft.

Iruka smiled down at him, his eyes warm. Kakashi almost groaned out loud when his husband’s smile turned impish. “I’ll marry you as many times as it takes for you to remember it.”

End


End file.
